The Myth of the Broken Submissive

Why Healthy People Choose Submission

When I tell people I'm a professional dominatrix, the questions that follow reveal more about societal assumptions than genuine curiosity. "Were your clients abused as children?" "Are they trying to work through trauma?" "Do they have mommy issues?" The underlying belief is always the same: healthy, well-adjusted people don't choose submission. This narrative is not only wrong, it's harmful.

I've been having these conversations for years, and honestly? I'm exhausted by them. Not because I don't want to educate people, but because the assumptions are so deeply rooted that even when I present evidence to the contrary, I often get that polite nod that says, "Sure, but we both know the real story, right?"

Well, let's talk about the real story.

The Stereotype That Won't Die

The stereotype of the "broken submissive" persists across mainstream media, therapeutic communities, and sometimes even within BDSM spaces themselves. You know the one I'm talking about; the one pop culture has been feeding us forever. From Fifty Shades of Grey (don't even get me started on that mess) to countless psychological thrillers, submissives are always portrayed as damaged individuals seeking to recreate past trauma or cope with psychological dysfunction.

What drives me absolutely wild about this is that this narrative isn't just inaccurate, it's actively contradicted by decades of empirical research. We have the receipts, people. The data exists. And yet the myth persists.

What the Research Actually Shows

I geek out over this research because it validates what I see in my dungeon every day. The most comprehensive studies on people in the BDSM community paint a strikingly different picture than what popular misconceptions suggest. Rather than being psychologically damaged, kinksters consistently demonstrate better mental health outcomes than the general population.

Let me break this down for you, because the numbers are actually pretty stunning.

The landmark 2013 Dutch study by Wismeijer and van Assen surveyed 902 people in the BDSM community and 434 control participants. They found that individuals who practiced this lifestyle scored favourably across multiple psychological measures. They were found to exhibit:

• Lower neuroticism (less emotional instability; you know, the opposite of "crazy")

• Higher extraversion (more social confidence; hardly the wallflower damaged goods stereotype)

• Greater openness to new experiences (curious minds rather than closed-off trauma responses)

• More conscientiousness (organized and self-disciplined people making intentional choices)

• Less rejection sensitivity (secure in themselves and not individuals who are desperately seeking validation)

• Higher subjective well-being (they're literally happier than average)

• More secure attachment styles (healthy relationship patterns)

What’s more is that when differences emerged between dominants and submissives, submissives still outperformed the general population control group on mental health measures. The hierarchy went like this: dominants scored highest, submissives in the middle, and non-BDSM controls scored lowest on psychological well-being.

Read that again. The people not doing BDSM were doing worse psychologically than the submissives everyone assumes are "broken."

Multiple replication studies have confirmed these findings across different countries and cultures. I'm talking about research from Australia, Spain, Belgium, and China, so this isn't some weird cultural anomaly. A 2025 Spanish study of over 1,300 participants found that people who practice BDSM were more likely to have secure attachment styles, lower rejection sensitivity, and higher levels of well-being compared to non-practitioners.

Every time I share these findings with vanilla friends, I can practically see their brains short-circuiting.

The Trauma Myth

Perhaps no misconception is more pervasive—or more thoroughly debunked—than the belief that BDSM interest stems from childhood trauma or abuse. This one really gets under my skin because it's so persistent despite being completely unsupported by evidence.

A 2020 Belgian study surveyed 771 people who participate in a BDSM lifestyle and 518 non-practitioners and found, wait for it… no significant differences in traumatic experiences, including childhood physical abuse or unwanted sexual trauma. The researchers literally concluded that there are "no findings to support the hypothesis of BDSM being a coping mechanism for early life dynamics or trauma."

I want to tattoo that quote on my forehead sometimes.

A comprehensive 2019 scoping review of 60 studies (sixty!) noted that empirical studies of kinky people have repeatedly found no association between experiences of childhood sexual abuse and kink interests. When trauma histories do exist among some BDSM practitioners, research suggests kinky people who have experienced trauma often find it to be a source of healing rather than re-traumatization.

Look, I'm not saying trauma never plays a role for anyone—individual experiences vary widely. But the idea that BDSM interest is primarily driven by childhood abuse? The research just doesn't support it. At all.

While individual case studies exist of people using BDSM to process trauma, these represent exceptions, not the rule. The research is clear: the vast majority of people in the scene have no history of abuse, and those who do often find BDSM empowering rather than re-traumatizing.

Let's Talk Demographics

When we examine who actually practices BDSM, the "broken submissive" stereotype becomes even more absurd. And by absurd, I mean laughably wrong.

Research consistently shows that kinksters are well-educated (we're talking higher education levels than the general population across multiple studies), professionally successful (many report that their kinky practices actually enhance their professional lives… imagine that!), and relationship-oriented (better communication skills, higher relationship satisfaction).

I see this in my practice constantly. My clients are lawyers, doctors, executives, artists, and teachers. They are people who are crushing it in their professional lives and have healthy social connections. They're not broken people stumbling through life; they're successful individuals who happen to find fulfillment in power exchange.

One study found that "unconventional" sexual practices and fantasies such as BDSM, group sex, or roleplay have been shown to enhance creative thought, improve mental and physical health, increase workplace productivity and lead to more satisfying and communicative relationships.

So much for the dysfunction narrative, right?

So, Why Do Healthy People Choose Submission?

If submission isn't about damage or dysfunction, what drives psychologically healthy individuals toward these intense power exchanges? I get asked this question a lot, and the answers might surprise you.

Authentic self-expression: Many submissives tell me that BDSM allows them to express parts of themselves that feel deeply authentic but are suppressed in mainstream society. They're not broken, they're simply and courageously pursuing their genuine desires in a world that often punishes authenticity.

Surrender as strength: Here's something that blows people's minds; choosing to submit requires enormous self-awareness, trust, and emotional intelligence. It's an active choice that demands significant psychological resources. Quite the opposite of dysfunction, actually.

Enhanced intimacy: The research backs this up too. BDSM requires a great deal of self-revelation, and consequently, it often enhances couple intimacy. For many, submission creates deeper connections than conventional relationship dynamics allow.

Stress relief and flow states: This is where the science gets really interesting. Research shows that BDSM can induce profound altered states of consciousness, similar to meditation or intense athletic performance, providing genuine therapeutic benefits for stress management.

Exploration of complex emotions: Healthy individuals often seek experiences that allow them to explore the full spectrum of human emotion and sensation. BDSM provides a safe framework for this exploration. Revolutionary concept, I know.

The Real Damage

The persistent myth of the broken submissive isn't just wrong, it causes real and tangible harm. And this is where I get genuinely angry.

It pathologizes healthy sexuality: When we assume submission (or any other BDSM related preferences) indicates damage, we pathologize consensual adult behaviour and shame people for their authentic desires. We're literally telling healthy people they're sick.

It undermines informed consent: If we believe submissives are inherently damaged, we question their ability to make informed decisions about their own bodies and relationships. That's paternalistic bullshit, frankly.

It prevents help-seeking: Submissives who internalize these stereotypes may avoid therapy or other support when they actually need it, fearing judgment or misunderstanding. We're creating barriers to mental health care.

It perpetuates therapeutic bias: In a survey of 766 therapists, one-third were unsure if people who engaged in BDSM could maintain functional, healthy relationships. One-third! These are supposed to be the people helping us with our mental health!

A New Understanding

Here's what I want you to take away from this: The research paints a crystal-clear picture. People in the BDSM community, including submissives, are not broken individuals seeking to recreate trauma or cope with dysfunction. They are, on average, psychologically healthier, better educated, and more relationship-skilled than the general population.

BDSM is not a pathology. As researchers have concluded, BDSM represents a sophisticated approach to sexuality that requires high levels of self-awareness, communication skills, and emotional intelligence.

Submission is a choice, not a compulsion. Healthy submissives choose their role from a position of strength and self-knowledge, not weakness or damage. They negotiate boundaries, communicate needs, and actively participate in creating the dynamics they desire.

The myth of the broken submissive serves no one. It stigmatizes healthy individuals, perpetuates harmful stereotypes, and prevents us from understanding the rich complexity of human sexuality.

It's time to replace these tired narratives with evidence-based understanding. The research is clear: healthy, well-adjusted people choose submission because they're brave enough to pursue their authentic desires. In a world that often demands conformity, perhaps choosing submission is one of the most psychologically healthy things someone can do.

Now, can we please move past the "damaged goods" narrative and start having more interesting conversations? Like why some people find power exchange so compelling, or how BDSM communities have developed some of the most sophisticated consent practices in existence? Those are the discussions worth having.

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What myths about BDSM have you encountered that don't match your lived experience? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Ready to Explore Healthy Power Dynamics?

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Because healthy people deserve healthy exploration of their authentic desires.